Feeling socially rusty? We often hear how younger generations have lost the art of conversation thanks to being chronically online. But after a pandemic, the push to work from home, and an increasingly online world, I think everyone’s social skills have regressed a little. Let’s reclaim them with these tips.
Last year, I made it a mission to meet as many strangers as possible. I started going to group meetups for dinner and coffee, meeting well over 100 strangers in my time (more on that journey here).
When I first started sitting down for these dinners and chats, I was super awkward. And I consider myself pretty good at talking to strangers when I’m out and about.
But once I was sitting down in an intentional setting where we could talk for more than a couple of minutes, I realized just how much my social skills had gone by the wayside. From working from home to shopping primarily online, I wasn’t interacting much with people outside my existing social circle.
Sure, I could talk to my friends. But I didn’t know how to go deeper than the weather or the garden with regular, everyday people.
During the first dinner I went to, I was so nervous that I talked and talked and talked. When I got home, I instantly felt like I had overshared. I don’t think people realize how much extroverts will go home and obsess about what we said. When you’re speaking a lot, you put a lot of vulnerability out there.
So the next dinner I went to, I held back and tried to learn those social skills again. Some people like to talk while others like to listen. I tried to pick up on cues, asking questions when I felt someone wanted to be seen and supported. Other times, I would try to fill the space by telling a story, making them laugh, or being vulnerable.
By now, you’ve probably noticed how much I’ve been talking about community building on Garden Therapy. And I can feel the excitement building. But a lot of people still feel nervous about putting themselves out there.
I’m hopeful that these tips from my own experiences will help you stretch out your social skill muscles.
- Learning How to Talk to People Again
- Just Show Up
- And Keep Coming Back
- Listen. Listen. Listen.
- Each Interaction is Different
- Step Outside Your Social Comfort Zone
- More Ways to Build Community
Learning How to Talk to People Again
Just Show Up
Half the battle is just showing up. You have to go through a lot of hoops to meet with someone new. First, you have the mental preparation of wanting to make new connections in the first place. Then, the research on how to meet people. Whether it’s trying an app as I did or finding a club or group for an activity you enjoy, there are lots of ways to meet people in pre-arranged group settings.
And then the final mental battle of gearing up to attend the event. Just taking the step is already the biggest thing you can do to start reconnecting to people. So just show up!
And Keep Coming Back
Now, I can sit with strangers in a very calm way. But that took many dinners, coffee dates, walking with neighbours, tours of people’s gardens, and random chats to get to. Now, I have a better sense of normality. But it takes practice to gain those skills back.
So even after you go and feel awkward the first time (just like I did), keep going back and trying. There’s no wrong way to approach this and talk to people. Talk a lot or clam up. Don’t worry about the performance and feel too self-critical about how people perceive you.
The more we do this, the less the meeting becomes about engaging in the conversation. People are there for one reason: to exist with others.
Listen. Listen. Listen.
It’s cliché, but listening is so important. If I notice that someone is struggling to share details, I’ll ask questions to let them know that I’m interested and help draw out their light.
At the same time, I know I can ask lots of questions, so I’ll pull back so they don’t feel grilled. Some people may seem uncomfortable and keep their answers short. Then I work to fill the space, so they don’t have to. Let the other person, who may be quieter, choose the direction.
And pay attention to cues and how engaged they might be in the current topic. For instance, I noticed a huge increase in how people make conversation by referring to things they saw online while scrolling. But when there’s so much content and algorithms to contend with, we’re all getting served different content. Many people might not get what you’re talking about.
Not too long ago, I chatted with a stranger on a walk about the book he was reading, which he found as a recommendation in the NYT. I thought, how refreshing that someone still reads the newspaper.
Each Interaction is Different
I was surprised to learn that I would take up different roles depending on who I was with. In some settings, I feel like I’m leading the charge as the more exuberant one. But other times, I may be the quieter one who is more interested in listening.
You can be one way with one person, and another with someone else. Being with other people helps bring out different sides of yourself.
So with that said, I think it’s important to explore these different sides. Meet people in multiple ways, in more than one kind of setting, to see how this dynamic might shift for you.
Step Outside Your Social Comfort Zone
It’s easiest to connect with people who are like you. After all, common interests and lifestyles are very easy to bond over. But also try to invite and engage with strangers who are different than you. Different age groups, genders, cultural backgrounds, industry interests, political beliefs, etc.
Online, we’re delivered hyper-curated, interest-based content that reinforces your interests. At times, it can feel like other perspectives don’t exist. But meeting with other people outside your interests can help open your mind to other truths around you.
There’s a good saying that you don’t know what you don’t know. In today’s isolated and carefully curated world, you can’t know what you don’t know unless you interact with others who are brave enough to share their reality with you.
I hope this gives you some encouragement to dust off those social skills and try to put yourself out there more. Just showing up is half the battle! Let’s start the conversation below. Leave a comment if you’re feeling inspired to make new connections.
